Sunday, February 22, 2009

ICCHS Batch 2009 (Main): Class Prophecy

I. Crocoland

It is the year 2029, and we, Sister Julie Anne Custodio and Sister Jennifer Limchiu, are now alluringly angelic holy princesses – a.k.a. nuns – at the San Dannea Cathedral, where our ‘queen’, Sister Bea Jan Wong, governs with her killer Chinese looks and her almost invisible eyes. Yes, her eyes. Together with her king, none other than the Mr. Universe-with-the-macho-body-and-six-pack-abs-turned-holy-man-of-God, Father Dann Christian So Chan, they run this giant house of worship.

Early this afternoon, we went to the Library of Princess Sarah, owned by the highest paid bookworm in the world, Janice Sarah Te, who sits on a seven-foot high throne of books at the middle of the library. When we entered, she sent us to retrieve a supposedly long lost magical book in one of the shelves at the back of the library.

It took us almost an hour to find the shelf – shelf 1234 – and ten more minutes to find the book. It was dusty, and the cover could barely be read. When Sister Julie opened it, suddenly, the book emitted a low, piercing scream. Then, a face came out of the dirty white page. It looked familiar. Or rather, he looked familiar. It was Vincen Gregory Yu! Vincen without the t, finally found after a decade of being reportedly lost inside the library. In a composed but powerful voice, he said, “Jzhuley, and Jzhennifeh, look into my eyes, beyond my glasses. Yesss, look, look, look!!!”

We sensed our environment starting to float, but still we stared. When at last, we could no longer take his seductive eyes, we fell to the floor.

When we opened our eyes, we saw a huge white castle in the distance. Then suddenly, we heard the sound of galloping hooves coming towards us. As we tore our gazes away from the castle, we saw, behind us, a knight, wearing skin-tone armor with gold breastplates and riding on a pink unicorn. He approached us.

The knight introduced himself as Sir Geecel Jan Palmes and asked us who we were. As we introduced ourselves, we told him all about the magic book, and asked him where we were, and if he knows the way back to our world. Geecel told us that we were in Crocoland. Unfortunately, he didn’t know how to get us back home, but he suggested that we ask Queen Maria Cristina Sucgang, who ruled the kingdom with her magical staff made of crocodile and alligator leather.

Because we didn’t know who this queen was or how to get to the castle, the knight kindly offered to get us an audience with Her Majesty. He took out his trumpet made of gumamela and sampaguita wreaths and blew so loudly we had to cover our ears. As the trumpet’s sound echoed throughout the kingdom, two beautiful giant butterflies came flying towards us.

It appeared that the butterflies had riders on their backs. Seated behind them were actually Sanlie Ong and Orly John Pelopero, our high school batchmates whom we didn’t know actually metamorphosed. The flight had a stopover for the butterflies to recover their energy, so while waiting for the butterflies to recharge, we decided to talk to pass the time.

We found out that the queen has her most trusted advisers, the Council of Five. The first adviser, Juliette Ann Pareja, is the Chief Adviser and manages the kingdom’s finances. No wonder she has more than $25 billion in her bank account. The second one was Yvander Dominique Bu, also known as the General and handles the kingdom’s defenses; though most of the time, he has to defend himself from his empress, Christine Michelle Yap, who is addicted to high heels and chocolate-flavored coffee. The third adviser was Kevin James Tan, the AA or Affairs Adviser, who, the riders said, has ears that can hear everything, gossip and fart notwithstanding, within 20 meters. The fourth one is Theodore Paul Delfin, the Peacemaker who is married to the fifth adviser May Tan, head of the Crisis Patrol that deals with disaster control such as the recent foot-fungus-and-body-odor epidemic that hit the kingdom.

Finally, we flew to the palace and arrived in no time at all. Whatever happened to tired butterflies? We were then led by the palace chief guards, Paul John Cordero and Andre Ross Guasin, to a spacious and elegant sitting room. There, we were personally served by the Royal Chef, Franklin Llamado, who offered us some of the most exotic delicacies we’ve ever seen: roasted cow testicles in tartar sauce, cockroach and frog salad, cat and dog stew, to name a few.

After the rather barbaric meal, the Palace messenger Jazrelle Ang told us that our audience with the queen has been approved, so we had to dress properly. Thus, we went to see Boris Goddard Ong a.k.a. Giorgio Horhay dela Vuitton y Peñalosa, the most famous fashion designer in the entire kingdom.

Upon arriving at the little shop, Boris gave out a startled shriek. He told us that our clothes fit the fashion sense of a peasant, or that peasants have even better fashion sense than us. Together with his couturier assistants, Angelo Lim and Sheyme Robledo, we were made the most heart-stopping, stroke-inducing dresses.

Actually, Angelo lost his glasses so the measurements were a tad off, making the dress sizes a little too snug for comfort. Then, Sheyme forgot the list for the exact amount of cloth she was going to buy, so when she arrived at the textile shop called SanSan, owned by business partners Kurt Clarence Sanchez and Rigel Kent Sanico, she just made up the list as she made the purchases. We ended up wearing knee-high, peacock-themed cocktail dresses with matching rainbow shawls – strapless!

Next, we headed to the Royal Shoemaker, Enrico Uybalian, whose assistant Pamela Anne Cham secretly wants to make him her emperor. Pamela went to buy softened tree bark at the store of Mae Fleur Acosta, who’s always glad to give anyone who works for Enrico a discount. That’s what you call a love triangle. When the tree bark was finally acquired, the shoes started to be made, but they weren’t the right color, so Cyrene Laura Dimapilis, also known as the Color Girl, dyed them silver, which she bought at the House of Colors owned by Aingelee Arimas. The dye was actually made of carabao dung. Then, it was hair extensions with famous hairdressers Charmaine Joy Burgos and Loren Fung, who argued as to whether yellow or purple hair extensions looked better.

Fast forward to our meeting with Queen Maria. We told her all about our story and she told us to seek the help of the Great Wizard of Estancia, Ramon Christopher Subong, and his apprentices Joshua Defante, also known as Joshy the Fanty, and Anthony Cabochan, or Buchi for short.

When we arrived at the Wizard’s place, Ramon told us to go with him to the main magic chamber. There stood the two apprentices, whom he commanded to open up a magic portal that would lead us back. Joshua – or Joshy – raised his wand first, and behold, Kervin Leigh Clavero, the famous babaylan chief of the tribe that lives in Mount Everest and survives on a diet of snow, popped out of thin air. He looked puzzled, his cowboy hat on his head, and was sent back. Buchi tried next, and then, out came Maria Tannia Tanco, also known as Madam Bougainvillea with her 1 million hectare flower plantation. She was sent back, but not before throwing a flower at Cabochan. Dr. Jordan Christer Onglamsing, the kingdom’s ingenious doctor, suddenly entered the hall; apparently, he had also heard of our misfortune. Thus, he summoned his wife Alyssa Lee, the Good Witch of Mindanao, to open up the portal for us. She chanted, “Mindanaonum le placido penitente de sibyla irene dos basilios el sisa” – poof!

II. Museum of the World

We found ourselves in front of a door. It appears something went wrong. The door read: Museum of the World. We opened the metal doors and were overcame by the noise. People in gowns, modern technology – surely, we weren’t in Crocoland anymore. It was actually a museum! We decided to view the exhibits.

Exhibit number one was a talking basin which talks to you if you are bored. It was invented by – (gasp) – Ramon Khey, who also won the Inventor of the Year award. He looked crazy talking to his basin alone, which replied in sprays of water. The next one was the time machine, created by – oh, my! – Nico Levy. Mr. Levy actually accompanied Ferdinand Magellan in the first around-the-world journey and almost killed Lapu-lapu, had he not mistaken Magellan for Lapu-lapu! The third one was a flying carpet, made for pollution-free transportation, which, to our even greater surprise, was created by Janno Francisco himself! Then, there was the walking encyclopedia by Robert Mark Uy, who won a record-breaking nine gold medals at the Olympic Games for the 100m, 200m, 300m, 400m, 500m, 600m, 700m, 800m, and 900m runs; and the robot brain by Fiel Brian Edner Tan, who graduated Summa cum Laude with a perfect attendance at the Harbridge Camvard University – Is the world still round?!

At the other side of the hall was the Chamber of Beauty. There was actually a gathering of beauties for a magazine pictorial! There was the newly crowned Miss Universe Joanna Kong of Japan, standing beside Miss India Lyxen Aubrey Cuñada and Miss South Africa Eunice Boston. A few feet away, there was Miss Kazakhstan Ezil Verne Uy, who was crying buckets of tears because she did not win the crown and was being comforted by Donna Lyn Ledesma, who was Miss China.

At the other side of the chamber, Singer of the Universe title holder Annaleigh Pearl Chua serenaded the crowd with her number one hit song, If I Were Not A Boy, as the world’s best belly dancers Angelique Joy Chua and Precious Janine Uy danced to the song. Then, the belly dancing was interrupted by what seemed like a flock of flamingos, but were, in fact, the Ballet Three – Thea Marie Quiling, Hannah Mae Alquitran, and Nikka Grace Yoro, who were performing the flamingo dance. Suddenly, there was a commotion. Rock stars Jed Aldrin Te and John Immanuel Dario were having a fight as to whose nose piercing looked better: Jed, on the right nostril, or Immanuel, on the left. With his members Salvador Gariando and Rinheart Quilino, Jed’s team is known as Aldrin and the Chipmunks; Immanuel, together with Jasher Joshua Chan and John Ray Palmares, are known as the The Terrible Three. The commotion was interrupted when the crowd stampeded towards Ellah Kaey Alvarez, Oscars and Golden Globe best actress winner for her portrayal of an insane soprano, and Connie Garcera and Daneelie Moralidad, the successors of the legendary Rene Lao in the world of wushu.

The commotion was actually headed by Juan Carlos Macalalag, president of the Paparazzi Party of the Philippines or the PPP, whose proudest members were certified camera addicts Sheradee Leparto, Trexee Anne Lao, and Sharmaine Deslate. We exited the museum in a hurry and saw that Janine Kaye Amacio and John Mark Prietos’ family taxi business has indeed flourished; around fifty of their cars were lined up at the roadside. Much to our surprise, they actually had the fashion model Li-anamay Zaragoza as a godparent during their wedding.

Across the street, environmentalists Mary Claire So and Laiza Angelli Cruz held placards which read: Patalsikin si Juan Carlos Macalalag!, and shouting at the top of their lungs, “JC Bumaba, JC Bumaba!” They claimed that JC’s excessive use of digital cameras somehow contributed to global warming.

III. The Ever Koolest Stacey

Still, we hailed a taxi. Not knowing where to go, the driver told us that as first-time visitors of the place, we had to visit The City of Hot People. The city mayor is Stacey Falsis, who was able to get rid of former mayor Airene Domingo by claiming that her waistline was way smaller and thus, could fit on the presidential throne more easily. Actually, she won through a massive text vote buying. Thus, the city is now known as TEKS, which stands for The Ever Koolest Stacey.

However, TEKS is a land of controversy. A recent one is about the fake whitening products of Maria Feliza Inez Lumbo & Irish Jane Lee, who claimed that the products actually made their skin fairer. The evidence, however, was Melanie Garingan, whose skin became black as charcoal the day after she first used the products. What she didn’t know was that the products were made of cat urine and mouse droppings. Thus, leading the offensive were the Consul-General of Zimbabwe Raulen John Degobaton and Attorney Hana Mika Hsia.

Another controversy is about the stolen pair of stockings of singer-dancer-actress Sachiko Suzuki, which, she claims, is made of 24-karat gold. The police headed by Steven Clark Lim have been searching for it for months, and have even asked the help of Mayor Stacey, who is also busy with her own stockings. Just yesterday, Kim de los Reyes, ‘balut’ and ‘penoy’ tycoon brought word about the stolen stockings. He said that once, he saw a man wearing shining golden stockings and that that guy always goes to the local pub every night. Last night, Steven went to the pub. There he met Michael Co, the affluent manager of MO2000, and his fiancée, Rizza Carla Gallardo, who became the talk of the town when she declared at the city plaza in front of the media that henceforth, she shall wear nothing but jewels to be strewn all over her bodacious figure. Also, there was Engineer Rasheed Jan Carbaquil having a fun night drinking his favorite drink: Yakult, which he claims is enough to make a cow drunk. The stockings were never found.

This morning though, the Department of Controversy was razed to the ground since Gen. Kevin Allen Dalipe, Head of the Armed Forces, threw a grenade at the building, mistaking it for a drug den. Thus, department undersecretary Sharmane Vidal announced that all controversies should be neglected and that the people should all just face the present life.

In spite of all those controversies, the citizens still enjoy their living. Famous businesswoman Mariel Trinise Epilepsia recently opened another business called “TooBig Purified Drinking Water.” Two days ago, Danemar Kristine Calise, new principal of the University of the Elites, found her long lost sister, Kristine Joy Anne Go, who was recently hired as ABS-GMA’s new weather forecaster. McJolly and Chow Inasal, fast food chains owned by Anne Marie Fuentes and Jinky Lim, respectively, are doing quite well.

That’s what the taxi driver told us as we arrived at TEKS Supermarket, managed by Ramona Jane Subong. Entering the place with us was obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Hianne King, who told us that she finally got married last week after Sarmy Lahao-lahao became her 33rd patient to say ‘I Love You’ to her but the 1st to say ‘I Know You Love Me Too’. Inside the market, we felt the rivalry between Trisha Marie Tarrazona’s Brazilian Arowanas business and Sianne Grace Jaleco’s Catfish industry.

What we didn’t know was that the marine environmentalist group called Bantay-Isda-321 led by Sophie Joyce Legita was staging a rally inside the place. Spokesperson Daren Brillantes was shouting at the top of her lungs: Make LOVE, not WAR!

Suddenly, lightning struck the roof of the Supermarket. There was a blinding flash of light, then, darkness.

IV. Realm of Diana

We heard the peals of thunder, and when we opened our eyes, it was dark. There was total silence. We were lying on the ground. In front of us was a wooden door. In bloody red bold letters were written: Realm of Diana. Beneath the sign was another sign, which said: Diana Elaine Tan, Mayor and Goddess. We stood up and knocked at the door, which was the only thing visible. There was no answer.

The instant we opened the door, the silence was broken. In her lovely and musical voice, Diana addressed the city.

My people, we all know that there has been a little problem about the recently concluded election. Presidential rivals Jelline Patricia Alojado and Glynnie Grace Palabrica garnered the same number of votes. Since I, Diana, am still the president of the kingdom, I still have the power to declare a war: Team Alojado versus Team Palabrica. Each team will choose ten comrades to battle tomorrow. By the end of the day, the team with the most number of men alive will be declared winner. And by then, we will know who will be the next president. Agreed?”

We were standing at the entrance of a gigantic plaza. Diana, seated on her emerald throne supported by Ritz Glenn Cagalawan, Lester Bocablo, Rafael Melocoton, and Jhon Rey Sumido – also known as Diana’s Darlings – stopped for a moment to see the people’s reactions. At the far end of the stone-floored court were Senators Joenalyn Aliguin and Alexis Uy. Vice President Hyacinth Clarice Cembrano stood beside Diana. Jelline loved the idea. Seated at the front row, she shouted, “Hear, hear. I will bring Robert Ryan Chu, the bravest and best soldier there is.” On the other hand, Geneline Gabrido, Glynnie’s spokesperson did not agree, for she knew that no one has ever beaten Robert before, so she thought of another plan. She suggested playing jack n’ poy between the two teams instead of having a war. The only people who agreed with her were the priests of the kingdom, Fathers Steven Garcia and Sonny Alexander Manalo.

Since only two agreed, it was obvious that the war would still be carried on. Not liking wars at all, we interrupted. Diana and the people noticed us and thankfully allowed us to speak. We suggested having a dance showdown.

Everyone agreed, especially world-class choreographer Russ Martin Uy, who heads the Do the Move Dancing Class; renowned dentist John Kenneth Clement; and the newly crowned empress of Egypt, Her Royal Majesty Empress Mardi Grace Rayco.

The dance showdown took place at the crack of dawn. Jelline’s representatives were Maria Evanessa Bacus and Vanessa Javier, while Glynnie’s contestants were Daniel Go and Dennis Go. Three judges were hired during the showdown: Jim Therese Gayotayan, famous for her tiger look; the world’s most famous male ballet dancer and winner of the All-Male Primo Ballerino Dancing Cup, none other than Eli Justin Lim; and Karl Bryan Bacugan, host of the No Deal or Deal: The Dance Showdown.

Jelline’s representatives performed first. There was only one cheer. It came from Wendy Camarista, who thought it was Glynnie’s team that was performing. Anyhow, the results eventually arrived and the winners were… Daniel and Dennis, which only meant that Glynnie’s the new president. But Jelline did not stop there. She argued that her rival won only because one of the judges, Ms. Gayotayan, is actually Daniel’s wife!

At the end of the show, we headed for the Church of Churches, where Pope Bryant Li congratulated us and United Countries Secretary-General Patricia Beatrice Valdez named us Ambassadors of Goodwill. Outside the church windows, we saw a helicopter manned by Phillip John Ross Pediapco, who was waving at us.

Suddenly, the gigantic face of Janice Sarah Te covered the ceiling. Then, everything dissolved. We found ourselves, once more, on the floor by shelf 1234 – indeed staring at Janice’s face.

Where have you been?! And what did you do with that book?!” she hollered at us. Then, a few feet behind her, stood Vincen, smiling.

Janice, it’s all alright. Here, take a look at the cover – it’s cleaner now,” he said, handing the book to Ms. Sarah. We all gathered to look at the cover, and a wonderful feeling – that of satisfaction, of nostalgia, of happiness, and of contentment – swept over us.

The cover read: ICCHS Main Campus Batch 2009 – The Prophecy.  


Anonymous said...

dumduman ko ni...hahaha... amu ni ang sang graduation ball nho??... ^^

-Andrey Guasin


Yep. =))