Monday, October 27, 2008

Miles and the Dinosaur (A Stupid Play)

His name is Miles.

And he gave me the one piece of evidence to further solidify my theory that children nowadays are fast replacing Dorothy, Hansel, and Gretel as the world’s biggest brats.

Act 1: When Eli interrupts, it's bound to go...

Scene: Library. Table 2 (middle table) - Me reading book (?), Donna reviewing, Eli watching Donna reviewing. Far end of Table 2 - Michelle and Regine conversing. Table 3 (nearest the aircon) - Hubert doing nothing in particular (?).

Suddenly, idiotic, childish, foul-mouthed, trying-hard English blabbering is heard.

Miles (M): What is this… yeah, it looks stuuupid… yeah stupid… what’s that? Yeah…

Miles’ bro (B): Yeah, it’s a… yeah…

Eli, the interrupter, interrupts the childishness.

Eli (E): Hey kids… what’re you talking about?

M: We’re not talkin’ to yah… shattup, we’re not talkin’ to ya...

E: What did you say?

M: Yeah, shattup, we’re not talkin’ to ya… what’s that… shattup…

Eli talks instead to a very much amused moi.

E: Bati-an mo to? Grabe noh?!

I turn my attention to the brat.

Act 2: Foul words hit the Jarby

Jarby (J): Hey little kiddies, what are you looking at?

M: shattup! We’re not talkin’ to ya... what’s that?…

J: You telling me to shattup kid?!

M: Yeah… shattup, we’re not talkin’ to yah!

J: Well you’ve got a pretty nasty mouth for a little kid… Is "shattup" the only thing you know how to say?

Miles stands up and walks over to stand in front of me.

M: You want me to kick your ass?! (I stand to my full, glorious height)… No, shattup, we’re not talkin’ to yah!

Act 3: Move over, Stephenie Meyer!

M: Oooh… Look at that, it’s a snake… and a… a crocodile (it’s actually a monitor lizard)!

J: No it’s not! That’s a lizard!

M: It’s a crocodile!

J: It’s a lizard!!!

M: It’s a… Oh yeah, it’s a lizard!... (to his bro) Look at its teeth! They're so sharp!

B: Like a vampire’s!

M: What’s a vampire? –

J: Well, a vampire’s got really sharp teeth… It eats people and drinks people’s blood… They live in coffins in the underground part of the city and only come out at night… That’s why you see all those news on TV of people being found dead in the middle of the street at night!

Miles is totally amused, his eyes bulging with confused interest.

Act 4: The Imaginarium of Dr. Dinosaur

A really crazy, evil, and notorious but nonetheless benign idea strikes me. I go to the shelves and take out a Health (?) book.


M: (hurrying over to my side to see the “dinosaur”) Where, where?!

J: (closes the book) Ooops! I lost it… I think it’s somewhere in the middle… go look for it yourself…(hands the book over to those creepazoidal hands)

Donna (D): (to Miles) Look for it page by page!

Silent evil laughter.


In the end, we won. The kid learned his lesson.

We’re friends now, actually. He knows me by face and proudly told me during the opening of Chinese Week that his daddy’s “English,” not British, not the tiniest bit American.

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