The Porn Pirate

Something really, really hilarious happened to me while I was waiting for the car after my haircut.

I was standing on the sidewalk of that area just before Marymart Mall, you know, at Valeria. That place that looks as though it’s meant to be a dingy flea market but wasn’t made into one due to space constraints. Anyway, I do know that there are a lot of creepy weird men (read: tambays) hanging around that place, men whom you simply wouldn't want to have eye contact with.

Well I was doing my waiting when this man approached me. His blue shirt and queer aura painted an image of a hooker in my mind. But he wasn't a hooker - close, though.

Anyway, he whispered something to me. I said, rather harshly and out of confusion, “Ano?”

He whispered again. "Ano?" I repeated.

This time, he was crystal clear: Makuha ka X?

“You want some porn?”

“Do I look like someone who’s up for buying porn?!?” That's obviously not what I said. Instead, I casually gave him a no, and he started rattling off his offers. Merong tagalong, pompom (or whatever that is)…

Turns out, those men hanging about the place are porn pirates, very persistent ones.

I thought of something straight out of a Hollywood flick. Oh come on, back off. Felt good.

Then, I walked away. That's the uncensored ending.

Gerald Swallowed

Tayong Dalawa promotes stupidity.

That, I believe, is its primary purpose.

Day by day, the directing gets worse. Day by day, the story gets worse. Day by day, the acting gets worse. Day by day, my wish for the show to end sooner becomes more and more fervent.

Ironically, the stupider it all gets, the more I get addicted to watching it.

Why, you may ask?

I have an answer: Because to watch stupidity is to realize that one is yet to be captured by the clutches of stupidity; Because to watch stupidity is to know that one is still above the claws of stupidity; Because to watch stupidity is to know that one is not yet stupid.

By the way, in the scene where Kim Chiu is going stupidly hysterical over Gerald Anderson, who is in a coma (?), the latter swallowed.

While he was playing unconscious.

How stupid is that?!

Mommies and their children

The other night, the Lactum ad in particular caught my attention during a typically uneventful Tayong Dalawa break time. And I realized just how stupid, how socially detrimental the ad is.

See, before the ad proper where Jodi Sta. Maria comes out to glorify Lactum in all its supposed goodness, there’s this series of mommies who complain about their children’s monotonous eating habits (Jodi being one of them).

The first mommy, from PAMPANGA, complains that her child only wants to eat LONGGANISA (if this is the wrong spelling, then this is how it should be spelled). The second mommy, from ILOILO, is troubled that her child wants only BATCHOY. The third mommy (you know who), from MANILA, says her child eats only FRIED CHICKEN.

Well, this is just crap!

Are these even supposed to be Filipino food analogies? More crap!

Why did they have to have the food analogy thingy in the first place, anyway? Did they think that having to state the place of origin and the food of addiction are really, really necessary? Oh come on, the place and food are totally unnecessary, and besides, if they’re meant to add ‘color’ (pun intended) to the ad, then they’re just creating a mishmash of irrelevant colors.

Why the heck would a child from Pampanga be addicted to longganisa?! Or batchoy, in the Ilonggo’s case? Or, ehem, fried chicken (?!) for Thirdy Lacson (surprise, surprise, I actually know Lacson III and Jodi’s son’s name)? More crap. Why don’t you try feeding an “extremely picky child” (as illustrated by the ad) the same kind of food everyday and let’s see how he’d love it.

If there’s anyone to blame for the children’s ‘addiction’, it's the mommies. Why, can the children cook and/or fend for themselves?! Does Thirdy really have money to buy all that fried chicken?! Duh, if you mommies don't overfeed your children with stuff, there won't be any addictions to worry about!

Speaking of food addiction, that’s totally against the Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility. Unless of course there’s an abnormal digestive ek-ek that we've yet to find out.

Oh, and if the children really were supposed to be addicted to the food in this FICTIONAL ad, then why use the food analogies? Ads are supposed to bear clarity. Duh, why use longganisa and batchoy? Why not Angus steak or eggplant, or sautéed leg of lamb in tartar sauce?

Eat Your Ice Cream!

I am being forced to eat ice cream.

Not that there’s anything wrong with eating ice cream though. It’s just that… I’m being forced to eat it. Hear that? F-o-r-c-e-d. I mean, come on, there are gazillions of mommies out there all trying to prevent their children from getting to the fridge and grabbing the ice cream – and here’s my own mother, forcing me to eat some?! How coolly crazy is that?!

And you know what’s so big about all this? She actually asked me three times if I want to eat some (to which I gave three bored nos), then went into an absolutely crazy oratory about missed opportunities and it’s-so-hot-right-now and all that brouhaha. And without further ado, I just found a cup of ice cream in front of my bewildered eyes.

I can’t believe this. Why do people assume that you didn’t hear them the first time when you nonchalantly answered a no to a question that they expected you to give a yes to? This is outrageous.

Why bother asking a question when you already have an answer in mind?

Geeez, and now she’s hurrying me up into finishing the supposedly molten ice cream. Oh man, will I be like this at fortyish? “Hey kiddo, want some ice cream? And finish it up quickly!”

I’m not in a right state of mind right now. Blame the ice cream.

Best and Worst of Season 8

Don’t you just love an upset? Especially after Danny Gokey's unlawful eviction.

Congratulations to Kris Allen for:

1. winning some big title that, in the first place, shouldn't be his;

2. winning some big singing tilt which, in the first place, shouldn't have seen him in the finals; and

3. winning something for the sake of not-winning’s sake, just as I'd wanted.

But I’m not wasting any more time talking about Mr. Conway 2009. He does not deserve my freakin’ adoration.

Now let’s wind the clocks back to two months ago. American Idol 8 was already at a stage where who got evicted already mattered (to me). Fast-forward to a week and a few days ago: Idol was down to its Final Three. And so, my best and worst performances of Season 8:

THE BEST PERFORMANCES OF IDOL SEASON 8

12. Matt Giraud, “Part-time Lover”

Let us remind ourselves that he's only a wildcard, a tie with the equally crappy Anoop Desai. That the judges saved him instead of the terribly underused, underexposed Alexis Grace was - still is - unthinkable. And then there's this: suave moves and voice rolled into one.

11. Kris Allen, “She Works Hard for the Money”

Boy-next-door totally made this Donna Summer his own headbob-worthy ditty.

10. Danny Gokey, “You Are So Beautiful”

The biggest casualty of Season 8 – this year's Daughtry or Jennifer Hudson. But in his trademark husky voice, this song became a protestation of love oozing with simple honesty.

9. Kris Allen, “Ain’t No Sunshine”

Oh the soul - and sadness - that he poured into this number. At its finest points, heartbreaking.

8. Danny Gokey, “Come Rain or Come Shine”

Started out soft and ended wondrously grand, like the sun finally breaking through layers upon layers of storm clouds. Was this Gokey in a 1920s New York City club?

7. Allison Iraheta, “Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone”

Honestly, I never liked Allison that much. Her voice was too rough for my liking, like Annie Lennox. But the roughness was here justly imbued with mystery that the song asks for.

6. Danny Gokey, “What Hurts the Most”

Simon called this Danny’s “best performance ever.” Not in my opinion - just the man's gloriously sung second best.

5. Adam Lambert, “Feeling Good”

The compelling theatricality of it all, the way he descended those stairs like a god coming down from beyond, was only proof that the man's master of his craft. Don't like his Fiyero much, though.

4. Danny Gokey, “Jesus, Take the Wheel”

This was Danny's best performance. Carrie Underwood covered this or something, right?

3. Kris Allen, “Falling Slowly”

Randy showed how utterly stupid he was when he said, after this number, “I’m not so sure, man.” Kris Allen's best performance of the season was an elegant portrait of gently falling in love.

2. Adam Lambert, “Mad World”

After Adam finished this song, thousands undoubtedly converted to his cause. Many call this his towering achievement, but...

1. Adam Lambert, “The Tracks of My Tears”

Like how David Archuleta’s “Imagine” was hailed by many as his best, when it was actually his other Beatles number, “The Long and Winding Road." Lambert's crystalline falsetto and the surrounding silence simultaneously sculpted tears on our faces.

THE WORST PERFORMANCES OF IDOL SEASON 8

10. Danny Gokey, “Dream On”

Danny's not a rocker, and when he tried to be one, he was a screaming nightmare.

9. Anoop Desai, “Caught Up”

Groovy dancing and misplaced energy do not a passable number make. Complete misfire from Desai.

8. Kris Allen, “All She Wants to Do Is Dance”

Even the piano wasn't large enough to hide the gaping hole at the heart of this mess.

7. Danny Gokey, “Get Ready”

Another one where Danny goes jumping all over the stage. Will never be ready to see this again.

6. Kris Allen, “Apologize”

Hands down, the worst existing version of "Apologize."

5. Megan Joy, “Turn the Lights Down Low”

There was absolutely nothing sexy with this number. It was like a sexless maniac's empty call for a drunken quickie.

4. Lil Rounds, “I’m Every Woman”

Lil Rounds screamed - and screamed some more, even though it was all too obvious that she's a woman. Just not good enough to represent every woman.

3. Matt Giraud, “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?”

Unintelligible shit from Giraud.

2. Michael Sarver, “Ain’t Goin’ Down”

Unintelligible shit from Sarver.

1. Megan Joy, “For Once in My Life”

For once in her life, Megan Joy made a complete fool of herself on international television.

Allen, Kris

I’m secretly wishing Kris Allen would win Idol 8. Now, it’s no secret anymore.

Because it’s so darn obvious that Adam’s headed in that direction. Which is why I’m rooting for Kris; there just no point rooting for Adam, simply because doing so wouldn’t be doing anymore. It’s become the norm, the obvious behavior; it’s so clear he’s bound to win. He’s gonna win. He has to win. He must win.

You can call me nonconformist, I guess; but hey, Idol pretty much deserves an Allen surprise win. Whatever happened to Danny Gokey’s fan base? Maybe… just maybe, blame Paula Abdul’s stinking song choice?

Danny deserves to be in the finals. Danny should be in the finals. But Danny ain’t in the finals.

I want Kris Allen to win. Because I don’t want him to win. Because he doesn’t deserve to win. Because HE MUST WIN for not-winning’s sake.

First Time with 2016

I really, really want to write something for May, but my mind’s not much of a team player at the moment. Is writer's block cause for sarcasm?

I just came home from a week-long sojourn in Manila. Yesterday, actually. My flight was supposed to depart at 4:20, then during check-in, I found out it had become 5:10, then we were delayed and finally took off at 5:30, then upon arrival, my luggage got tossed to the other carousel – which means I got home at past 7:30 already. Stupid airline, stupid airport.

I finally met the Imed 2016 people. Aside from the conventions of block 13 and 14 (go Block 14!!! Though this isn’t to say no-go Block 13 – well, partly), I have another mark for distinction: Pisay-Mainers and Non-PMs. First time you come across this, I bid you not to take offense. Well, anyway, as of now, none of you 2016 people know this blog, so if and when you come across this piece of crap, take amusement. Senseless much… but it’s true nonetheless, there are 21 (?) PM people in our batch.

First person I met was… surprise, surprise, Bea! Siguro yan nga ang tinatawag na magnet of home (if there’s such a thing). That’s prior to the dental examination – well, during the wait for the DE. Then, the second one was during the PE in the P.M already. Jillian, who sat beside me, whom I talked with, who then realized that her wallet and cell phone (or wallet only) were (was) missing. Jillian, the first victim of PGH theft for 2016 I-meders. Hopefully, none will be second. Then the third one, whom I talked with during the search for Jillian’s missing accessories: Krystell(a)! Maria Krystella Guevara… your name rhymes, girl.

During the enrollment process, Allison and Shahara, whom I got to talk to while separated by glass from the ferocious Ate Perla. Wait, I first talked with you guys at Ate Cherry’s place. Then, there’s Josef (Organio?), who wasn’t around the next day. And yeah, Clemens’ dad offered his chair to me. In the afternoon, when I went to get my class card (thankfully, Perla wasn’t around), I met Meagan! Meagan!!! And she said her name so cutely, so chipmunky. Meagan!!!

During the orientation, the first person I talked to (technically, the first new person, since I first talked to Bea) was Jenn. Gargar. Girl, you remind me of my SS successor. CutieGar. Gargar. Jenn Danielle Gargar. Catchy! Then, Niko, whom I saw the day before doing crossword puzzles during the wait; Clemens, who hardly ever spoke for the rest of the day (really, sir) and who just so suddenly disappeared in PGH; and Manzo, whom I thought was calling me, but was actually calling VincenT.

The psych test was stupid; pretty much everyone covertly knows that. Anyway, I sat beside Jim, from Palawan, who became my buddy for the campus tour where they made the frats and soros sound like criminal gangs; and Trish – Patricia Marie Fernandez – who chatted with me and spoke (how redundant). There was also Thea (I still don’t know which is Aletheia and which is simply Thea); Anna, whom I talked with for a fraction of a second; and Gelo, who knows Mr. Java, which is totally cool.

On the way to and at the CR, I had my first encounters (haha) with Vince(nt), who got his arm veins all traced up by the other Thea (*wink*); and Jio – pioneer of juiciness. On the way to Robinsons, first encounters with Terence – 80% Chinese – and Joshua, whose blood composition I’m not particular with. There was also Gianna – topnotcher of BrainDrain; Isabella Supnet (one of our catchiest names), who hopefully will allow me to call her by her full catchy name; MJ, who said he couldn’t quite place my name yet; and Alexeis, who told me that my name sticks out for him.

Yeah, well, I probably exchanged words with almost the entire 2016 people… I think I did. But whatever… when I look back a couple of years from now, I think I’d find this quite useful.

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Writer’s Block?! Well, well, well… here you go, May!!!!!!!!